Dear Friends,

I know that many of you have had the experience of 'waking up'. That moment when you suddenly have clarity that shakes you out of the strange uncomfortable feeling that you can't quite put your finger on. Then it hits you. GAH!! How did this happen? How did I get so far away from myself? How did I let so much get away from me? My path is no longer in my field of view. I've been on this detour and I didn't even notice turning away.

I work hard to be aware. To speak my truth. I meditate, and do yoga, and gather with women, and listen to enlightening material, and for a while everything feels good and connected. Then after a while, I realize that it just doesn't feel the way it used to. There's something missing from the things that used to bring me clarity and peace. For a while I don't understand where it all went. I let my practices slip. I stop coloring on Tuesday nights. Eventually, the reality of it all comes to light, usually after I find myself in extreme discomfort. I am the missing piece. My awareness of myself and of what and who I am, and who I intend to be..

This time around my wake up came during a quick session with Sentjana, one of our resident clairvoyants. She had a few things to say, and then hit upon something that rocked my world to the core. She said, "They want to know if you are who you say you are. Are you? Are you?" It was as if cold water had been thrown in my face.

I realized in that moment that I had let go of parts of myself at some point, and let go of some of the Cult's mission too. I'd somehow reverted to people pleasing. Not in a big way. But rather in small ways that seemed like nothing. Maybe I was worried about missing out on something. Maybe I didn't want someone to be angry with me. Maybe I was just too busy or tired to speak up and address something that needed to be addressed. Maybe I needed to hold a boundary regardless of pushback. But somewhere along the way, I gave away my power.

After some time of leaking power, I came to that uncomfortable place. That place where I must act strongly and seemingly drastically to get back to myself, and back on track. And in the process try not to berate myself for not stepping up for myself and my responsibilities in the smaller ways that would have been easy to remedy.

Who am I, you ask? I am mother, I am friend, I am lover, I am priestess and caretaker, I am witch, I am creator, but most importantly I AM. My feelings are my compass. My heart is my guide. My mind tends to take both those jobs from their rightful owner. As I, I must make sure that my mind gets put back in its rightful place as servant of the Soul. I've reached the point this time, where I am no longer exasperated by the repetitiveness of this activity. I finally know that I will do it again, and again, and again, delah. And I am grateful for it.

With love,
Ginger {aka Rachel Lazarus}