I've been borrowing energy. Paying it back costs so much more.

Dear Friends,

I've returned to my beginnings in what my fella calls my 'woo' education. It was through Carolyn Myss that I first understood the word chakra. Her thoughts on what the chakras are about and how energy/power works immediately resonated with me. What was most clear to me was the concept of leaking power. How we use the power granted us (divinely) in a given day, and how we spend that energy. In the 90's I was listening to her with audio books. Now we have the fortune of YouTube and getting amazing information for free.

After watching this video a bit each morning for the last couple of days, it became apparent that I'm leaking energy. Not only am I leaking, but I've also borrowed energy. And it's payback time. This year I didn't to my usual fast from coffee in January. I didn't take a couple of days of rest. I was away for a week, not really working, but not resting either. In the past, the time in early January was a time of recharge. I couldn't figure out why it was so different this year, but then it hit me. I'm the only boss now. The burden of all responsibility of the Cult is on me. And while I can delegate tasks to others and take days off, the weight of the responsibility is never gone.

In the past, I've always done any endeavor with a group or with a partner. I was only a solo belly dancer when I was a baby dancer. When I set out on my own it was with one dance partner or small group. Eventually I came to lead groups and had two award-winning belly dance troupes. I was often the leader but things were always collaborative. I never "directed" artistically. I had ideas and faint visions, but those were fleshed out by others. I never felt good enough to do things on my own. I felt there were too many holes in my skill set to do well. I was also afraid of working on myself. I feared that I would never meet the expectations that I imagined others had of me, particularly in dance, so I didn't have a disciplined practice. I didn't drill and drill and drill until something felt just right. But I could focus on improving others. I would drill with my students in class, being just a touch better than them each week. Sometimes a student would rocket past my abilities and launch onto their own, or to a better group. I made ok costumes, but nothing too expensive, or extravagant. Yet I worshiped the women who did put their dance and their look and their own development before everything else.

My claim to fame was excellent mediocrity.

Right at the top edge, but not ever crossing over into excellence. I kept excellence in reserve for my organizing skills, my hospitality, my thought processes, my cunning in not playing the politics, of helping my then spouses business explode into being the top selling American belly dance music artist, in the world. But I never spent my excellence on me.

This is all coming to roost now. Now I'm a boss. And I try to rope others into helping me decide things. I ask opinions and essentially permission to do things, or change them. In this way, I'm borrowing the energy of others to validate my business and choices. This is a different energy than inquiry or research. It has a desperation to it. The truth of it all is that I'm afraid that I won't meet the bar of excellence that I desire to have, all on my own. I'm afraid that I'll be right back at the upper echelon of Mediocrity. My old stomping grounds. My comfortable place.

This fear is eating me up and I didn't even know it. I don't have a slow leak right now, I'm gushing energy. My body is in need of repair. I'm haunted by mistakes that I've made in the past six months, and it all feels so heavy. I insist that I don't know what to do, or what I want in the future as a goal for my business. And I keep a rocket speed pace so that I don't have to face these fears.

I'm slowing now. I'm doing some things to take care of my body, and now my mind has to look at what is here. My nagging voices and self-doubt are right there, eager to add their voices to the chorus. I have been trying to work on it. To release. To let go of old stories. To allow something new to arise. It's there on the edge of the stage, ready to come into the light. It's waiting for the right cue, but I don't know what that cue is.

So for now, its just the old me on the stage. All by myself. Fumbling around. And draining. It's time to stop the leaking. It's time to be with what is. Looking my fears in the face, inviting them to my table. Asking them to advise me, but not allowing them to run me. It's time to be disciplined and do the best that I can. The very best. It's time to give my energy to something more than my fears. I close my eyes this weekend and I dream of the future. It's time to trust what I see.

And come Sunday, Easter, April Fool's Day, lingering full moon, I am reborn, and will set out on the Fools journey. Not prepared, not "ready", not yet excellent, but stepping out just the same. Not knowing what's to come or what to do. Just being open to figuring it out as it comes. I'm thrilled that the mighty and inspiring Bethany Ridenour with be with us that eve teaching us to make the Woven Whisk broom. I intend to sweep the hell out of my small places inside and out with this broom. Each thread in its making will be woven with the intention for dreaming and opening of possibilities. This tool will be my go-to when I need to clear my fears and doubts. It will sweep them away, and bring with it the stardust of the cosmos, the dreams the Creator has for me. I've never partnered with Creator before. Maybe this is the one I've been waiting for all along.

All my love,
Ginger
March 30, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter