We can lead with our hearts. As feminine creatures, we must.

Friends,

While the sands are shifting around us now, it used to be that we lived in a hard pan desert. A place where the feminine in its degraded state was kept. There was no honor in feeling and expression our emotions. No acceptance of having a heart led existence.

In my 13 Moon Mystery School program, we are in the Queen of Death Archetype. As I described in previous newsletters this is a much softer place than expected. It's no coincidence (although not consciously on purpose) that we are also in the Hare in the Moon Theme here in the shop. Death, sacrifice, and transformation abound in my life. But not in dramatic ways. I'm becoming aware of subtle shifts in my awareness. I'm opening up. Ever opening it seems. Two years ago I thought that the Cult of Gemini had opened me beyond recognition. Turns out, I wasn't even close to open. I'm still not. In fact, back then, I couldn't even imagine that I would be in the place that I am in now. I think my heart of hearts wished for it, but I didn't think I was enough to embody this place I hold now. Business owner, Priestess, Witch, Champion of the Feminine. All of these were lofty ideals that I wanted to be able to hold, but never felt like I was enough to do it.

Leadership is in my bones. I naturally seem to be able to lead others and make things happen. There have been so many moments of my past where leadership was called for, and my insides screamed, "I can do this!! I'm the one for this job!" Yet, I wouldn't speak up, or I would do so so meekly that I was immediately passed over. I've never let myself fully embody this place of leadership. I've never really owned it. I was afraid no one would listen to me. That I wasn't good enough, or my ideas weren't good enough, or whatever not enough thing that happened to pop up.

I preferred to let things seem collaborative, yet I would know what direction to go or what inspiration was driving me. Then in this collaborative environment, I would need to sell my idea or inspiration to the group. I would require the buy in of all involved to meet out my vision.

To be perfectly clear, this is not an honorable path. This is essentially manipulation. I've manipulated my lovers, my business partners, my dance partners, my daughter and family, almost everyone. Not from a malicious and calculating place. But rather from that shadow of the feminine, which feigns softness and meekness, because to be so self-possessed was trouble, for you, and everyone else. But underlying that pretend meekness is a steely mind and ego working every angle to meet the hope that things go the way I want. Actively managing other egos, massaging situations, and holding onto angers and resentment when things don't go the way I hoped.

The truth is, the true feminine way is so much simpler. What if I'd said, I want to do this dance, have this relationship, open this business, and then asked if they, all of those I've not been my true self with, wanted to help, or share, or offer their talents, time, money, whatever. They could be free to say yes or no, or whatever. But instead I've been really good at making those around me think that what I wanted was what they wanted. Which may or may not have been true. It's the subversiveness that makes it shadowy.

Even though I am now the sole owner of the Cult of Gemini, I still feel like I need to get the group buy in on whatever I am doing. My past "not enoughness" just keeps rearing up. So I've written "I am enough." on my bathroom mirror. I say it to myself every chance I get. I write it in my journal. As I begin to work with Spirit Guides, and open my channel more and more, I recognize that I cannot do this work if I am not clear about my motivations and desires. They didn't need to tell me this. I just woke up today recognizing that I don't have clear contact with them because

I'm not clear.

I am honest in my conscious mind. When asked I will always tell the truth. But it's that subconscious, y'all. That's the part I'm bringing light to now, as I sit in this awareness of death, transformation, and darkness. The velvety, enveloping blackness of the void is so comforting. Really. Going to that place of my own death, and looking back at what I'd wished I'd done is one of the most powerful places I've ever been.

Bringing these thoughts to light and sharing them with you is not easy. I know that my boyfriend, and my sister Kat, and my family, and many other friends and people I know will read this. They will become aware of the ways they have been manipulated by me, because I was not brave enough to just be as I truly am and ask their help and cooperation. But it must be done. This old me is rattling its last breaths. I cannot move on until this is done. I could choose to do this privately, but I suspect that there are many who read this who might be in this same place. As I have learned of late, what is true for one is true for all. I don't imagine that there is one person in the whole world who hasn't been on one side of this or the other.

A heart-led business or life cannot be so if there is not clarity. It cannot exist if the mind and ego play games. To be truly feminine, we must ask for what we want, do our best work, and stand back and see what comes of it. I strive for this in my life. I talk about it all the time, and yet, I feel like a beginner today. We are back to the Fool again. I have seen my trajectory, I have named my obstacle. I am ready.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.
Ginger (aka Rachel Lazarus)
April 27, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter