Expansion: Into the Sensual Realms

Do you feel that secret place tingling ever so slightly?

Dear Friends,

After months and months of lessons, hard choices, and the most letting go I've ever done at once, I finally feel the tides turning. Instead of letting go, getting rid of (things), and making stands in my personal life. I find myself in uncharted territory. See I've been the kind of girl who lived by default. I would just say, hey Universe, I kinda want this thing to happen sort of. Whatever you think is best. The Universe doth provide. Or so I used to say. And it does. And you can live a perfectly happy life just letting things come, and letting them go.

However, this year, I also learned that we are co-creators. That our preferences help the Universe dial in more specifically to what we truly want. That when we say "no" we are actually directing the universe with more intention. When we are able to ask for what we really want, not kind of want, that we get closer than ever to it.

This year is the first year, that I have said, "No." In a real and meaningful way. In the past I'd let circumstances dictate what I had or accepted, and told half-truths to manipulate a situation going one way or another. This year, and really and truly, beginning this Autumn, I have a real sense of what I want and don't want in my life. A knowing that if things are difficult, then I'm trying to hard to make things work, or be evolved, or be the bigger person in a situation, or hold space, or whatever new age bullshit we tell ourselves when we are accepting what we don't want. The plain truth is that I may no longer in alignment with what once might have been just fine. And as I come to my senses in this way, a responsibility of integrity of my words hits home right in the middle of my chest. This pervades my friendships, my business, and my love life.

Its not just that my spirit and guides are demanding that I must be clear and honest with myself and others (and they are asking this). But I also WANT to be clear and honest. I want to have the life I always dreamed of. I've been close a couple of times. And I've let things that seem small go, and end up excavating myself from the ashes of destruction. Not again. I insist that I have the things in my life that matter most to me. I want to feel the fullness of everything that I've done without to make space for another.

This translates in a real way to my sexuality and sensuality. I'm going to tell you all a little secret so that it will be secret no more. Your girl Ginger was very promiscuous in her youth. From 16 - 24 I had more partners than I can count, nameless faces, and faces not even remembered. I was seeking something then for sure (absent father, low self-esteem, fill in the blank). But I also know that I was on to something. For a woman my age I had an incredible sex life. I stumbled upon all of the things by accident: multiple orgasms, female ejaculation, cervical orgasm. All of it. And it was good. Like, really good. The biggest thing that I learned was the tremendous power there was in a woman who could release her full power. When the right partner was present, the experience would carry me for weeks.

Back to our story of having what we want in our lives. If I could put my finger on the dissatisfaction of the last couple of years (even amidst all of the amazing things that have happened with and through the shop that I'm so grateful for) I would say that I haven't felt met. In my personal life, in my business, in my sex life. Everywhere. Not feeling met has left me feeling unworthy, unattractive, unwanted. All of these are old wounds to be sure. Each time I give in a little the wound gets a little refreshing poke. I end up spiraling (maybe its closer to merry-go-rounding) back to the beginning, not feeling met, not feeling good enough, then I seek being met, and get rejected, and here we go again.

What I've come to realize is that I've been chasing this thing from my past sex life. This unabashed desire and abandon into whatever was happening in the moment. I don't actually want to be met. I don't want to be pushed to my edge. Or half-heartedly challenged. What I really want is to be dragged to the edge by my hair then thrown off the cliff. I want to be lost in the moments of ecstasy of my life. I want to be reeling from the joy. I want to be in the life and death struggle of warriors. I want to unleash the fierceness that is in me and have it be caught and thrown back. I want to be unsure if I will survive.

I know its not anyone's job to make me feel that way. I'm trying to learn to unlock the gate for myself. Sensuality, ecstasy, joy, abandon, ferocity. These are the places of magick that feel just out of my reach. I keep searching. Probing in my own darkness, trying to find the one ring to rule them all.

Love,
Ginger {aka Rachel Lazarus}
December 15, 2017, Cult of Gemini Newsletter