Falling Apart = Getting it Together

Coming back to center. It's the only way forward.

Dear Friends,

Hot on the heels of last week's newsletter, all the stories I'd been telling myself came true. Or rather, they just showed themselves. My newsletter about borrowing energy, and leaking energy really struck a nerve.

With me.

It reverberated around in my head all day on Friday, then Saturday, I began seeing the evidence everywhere. All of my fears presented themselves, in shiny packages, and with colorful, loopy bows. I let doubt seep in. I let my fears about being good enough, capable enough, enough enough to captain this ship called the Cult take me by the neck and choke me. They left me gasping for breath, and wanting to escape. To run for my life before I was humiliated and exposed for the fraud that I feel I am sometimes.

The day didn't get any better. I was triggered by my partner's anger, and let fly everything tiny feeling or thought that I hold in on the regular. I berated, I emasculated, I accused, I degraded, I lashed out, I cried, still choking on the fear of my own inadequacy. I hadn't done anything to help this man the way that I thought I could. Every 'help' I have offered, has caused more discomfort and harm. Has backed him into a corner.

I've done harm to him and harm to myself with my projections of who I thought he should be. I've tried to make him into the person I thought he used to be, and also who he could be. Then when he's simply himself, I reject it. This is a cycle. a little longer than an annual one. We began, we think things will be different, we try, we blow up, we begin again. This is the shape of our relationship, this elliptical cycle that swirls around who we were, who we actually are, and who we wish to be. My consciousness now asks me to notice if this is a race track, or is it actually spiraling up, improving just a tiny bit. That would be enough. I hope that is what is happening.

Then Sunday: drama. Senseless drama between friends. Not even my drama, but I was called to referee. And I began to try to mediate. One friend was shocked and hurt, and seemed to have no idea what was going on. The other friend accused the first of not being the same, and had a violent, angry reaction about it. After some conversation, it was clear that the only resolution acceptable was one I wasn't interested in. Blame, with no personal culpability is a situation that I am no longer participating in. After some thought, and some opening up, I realized that this was a moment to take my power back. To extract myself from a no win situation and save my energy for what matters to me. To answer the question I've been asked over and over again these past months: Are you who you say you are? The answer is yes. Yes I am.

All of this stuff, hitting me where it counts, making me look, asking me to evaluate. It is all to get me to take my power back. To stop looking outside to others or my partner to reflect my worth, my ability, my capability.

I see now.

In the midst of it all, the body fights its own fight. My body is so tired. Healing it will take all of my real time energy, and I don't have all of it to give right now. But I know this place. This is where the download happens. This is the leveling up place. This is the platform of the leap. Like that one time in Hawaii, I keep looking over the edge, not able to jump. It's so far down. The water is so far down there. I go to the edge, I count to two, I back away, unable to get to three and jump. I'll get there. It took me 40 minutes on that cliff of focused attention. How long will it take me now? I don't know.

For all you friends struggling with the weight of it, its not just you. It's literally in the stars right now. These are transition times, transforming our consciousness across the planet. These are not regular life times. We must get good at letting go. We must get real with what it is that we want. We only create more of the same by thinking of what we don't like. We must look over the cliff and see the cool, crystalline water. We must decide we can and we will jump. We will overcome the discomfort we feel just now, and know that the accomplishment that the jump will be will fuel us for years to come.

Ready? One. Two.....

With love,
Ginger (aka Rachel Lazarus)
April 6, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter