Seeking Happiness + Working Difficulties

Do you lean into discomforts, or remove them from your life?

Dear Friends,

I had the strangest experience last night. Now when I describe it, you'll be like, "What was strange about that, G? Sounds like some everyday shit to me." The strange part was how I felt and responded.

Here's the story. I have this friend with whom I'd had a falling out with. In retrospect, I can see that this had actually developed over months before the actual triggering event. I'd hoped that we would eventually come to a place where we could talk about it, maybe over several sessions and some period of time, knowing this friend was feeling very tender and betrayed. Well this friend reached out to me. However, rather than want to talk things through, the first few lines of the message were something to the effect that they were gonna tell me whatever they wanted to say, and that I was not permitted to respond, and that any response sent would be deleted.

So I just stopped reading. I deleted the email. I noticed that I felt a bit indignant, and generally peeved. I immediately began to think of the events leading up to the falling out and justifying my stance and my part in things. This went on and off for a couple of hours. Then, I just stopped.

My thoughts took a turn to Esther Perel. She describes the modern relationship so succinctly. Here is an in depth talk if you have an hour Infidelity & the Future of Relationships. If you want a short bite to see what she's about, you can watch this clip called Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship. In the many talks about marriage that I've listened to, I heard something that was so poignant to me. In talking about the evolution of marriage, we are now at a place where we believe we deserve to be happy, and it's our partners job to make sure we are. Where divorce used to be a stigma, now staying in a less than ideal relationship is frowned upon.

This is true for me. I have run from every relationship I've ever had. Two of the several have been truly unhealthy, but most have been, well, just disappointing. And rather than work at the relationship the way we would work at a craft, I've jettisoned the relationship in favor of starting new. Only each "new" relationship ended up being much like the old one. I expected to leave my problems behind me, not realizing till very recently, that I, ME; I'm the common denominator here.

This lack of work, which by the way, is not about working on your partner. The work I'm talking about is the work of staying open. The work of saying what you are really feeling and wanting, even when you've been disappointed in the past, even when you're tired, even when it doesn't seem like it will make a difference. The work of being open and willing to be hurt and disappointed, as much as owning that we will sometimes do the hurting and disappointing. The work of not giving in, or giving up, but of being diligent of making your life feel the way you want it to. It might be that you must ask over and over again for what you want. It might mean that you let yourself break down in tears at the sadness you are facing when you're partner doesn't hear your request. Its the work of being as real as you can be. As raw, and vulnerable, and open, and strong. As Rori Raye says, soft on the outside, strong on the inside.

I've said all of this because I realize that this same phenomenon has extended into friendships. When we lived in a village and there were a finite group of people to be friends with, we were much more invested in working things out. Now we have so much choice that we can just discard friendships when they become difficult or uncomfortable. This was also my M.O. for many years. Over the last year it has changed. The most clear lesson I'd ever received was with Kat last year. Her new partnership with her love overrode our partnership, and in some ways our friendship. She took steps toward the life she was longing for, and it was hard, for both of us I think. The old me (and newer social paradigm) would have been to end everything--our partnership, our friendship, our association altogether. Many people were shocked that it didn't happen, and many were super uncomfortable that I wanted to continue to be close to her.

But she is my sister. We took a blood vow to be sisters. She has been my closest friend for the last several years. I decided that I did not want to "let go of that which no longer served me". This statement is for ideas, and material objects. Not people. Not friends, Not relationships. The caveat of course being for instances of abuse. I've discovered over this last year that the people around us that we have spent our lives with, no matter how long or short the time, are not perfect. I'm not perfect. And I've decided that there is nothing that cannot be healed between me and another, unless I choose not to heal it. So my relationship with Kat is healed for me, and I hope for her also. It's not the same relationship that we began with. Esther Perel says that many of us will have two or three significant relationships in our lives, only some will do it with the same person. She of course was speaking of marriage, but I believe this to be true of friendships too. They will change and morph as each person's life changes and their goals and ideals evolve. I embrace this. It has made room for more beautiful relationships to blossom in my life. So many honeymoons are possible in each lifetime when we allow the old to become something new.

I hope my estranged friend received the closure she was seeking. I also hope that one day things will evolve and that we might be friends again. My heart is always open to those that I love. Only it has to be a two way street. One-ways are for busy downtowns, not relationships. My love and blessings go out to all that have left a friend or have been left by a friend. I hope we all find a new way. I hope we all remember our humanity, and in doing so see that humanity in each other. You may have been hurt by someone, and it's likely that you have also hurt another. Sometimes it's better to be wise and compassionate than it is to be right.

All my love,
Ginger {aka Rachel Lazarus}
February 9, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter