To Be a Madame + Stories of Ascension
On the edge, not peering over, just stepping out. The Fool again.
Dear Friends,
Kat and I began our first ever series on Intuitive Tarot this past Wednesday. I'm so grateful for the souls that are joining us on this journey, and their bravery to speak intuitively. For that is the purpose of this class. To get us to speak what we know, deep down. Preparing for this course has snapped me in to Tarot much more deeply than I imagined it could/would. Just speaking and writing about the 0 - X of the Major Arcana made me realize how much I know, and how much my mind grasps associations. It also let me know where the holes in my knowing were, and pointed to things that were uncomfortable to me. The Lovers card is 'my' card, according to my birth date, and yet it is the card that I feel least connected to. We'll get back to that.
The thing that I noticed about each person who attended class, and actually both Kat and I as well, is that we are all at this precipice of Ascension. Everyone of us is moving into a new way of being, a new consciousness for which our lives will never be the same. It's so exciting to see each person begin to unfold. Each of us feeling a bit uncomfortable at the growing and stretching that just being in presence requires. Then to tap into our intuition and speak words from somewhere other than our minds. It's a powerful process, and souls are expanding with each word spoken.
The word ascension is filled with visions of Godliness; Buddha* ascends, Jesus ascends. And yet in this earthly realm, we are made in God's image, or so we are told. Is it not also true then that we ascend? I think so, but in small steps, each building on the last. I can count my ascensions by the shed skins left behind. Child, Teenager, Student, Self-supporting, Belly Dancer, Promiscuous Ho, Air National Guard Member/F-16 Mechanic, Cheerleader, Witch, Mother, Wife, Project Manager, Accountant, Corporate Muggle, Conference Organizer, and the list goes on. Many of these skins I regrow. Mother has evolved over and over again as the needs of my daughter changed. I've been divorced twice. I was a witch in my 20's then let my second husband squash it out of me. I was reborn again as a witch thanks to Ryan Strong, who was my practitioner when he was still with the California College of Ayurveda. He woke me up, and the witch in me reveled at the invitation to return. The point is we all have the option to grow and change. My friend David recently said some thing to this effect: I'm letting go of my "beliefs" and instead trying to deepen my understanding.
But beyond growing and understanding, we are also ascending, or as I like to call it, Leveling Up. Ascension is a word that has been hovering around me this past month, and while I don't know what exactly that means for me, I do feel it coming. Some change in the air. Something big starting to vibrate around. Knocking antlers off shelves, and giving me tingles in my tummy. I've heard on the wind that this leveling up will bring many new things, and will be a force to remove as much. I always feel nervous with this idea of letting go.
This time, I expect that I'm shedding a great deal more than what exists in this physical world. I'm shedding archetypes this time around. One of the most potent things I've been feeling (for months now actually) is a shift in my sensuality/sexuality. It has awakened much the way my witchiness did, after having been shut down for some time. And I've recognized old emotional patterns, that I'm able to see or feel, but then not react to. For example, when my partner is tired, I don't feel deeply rejected and wounded, which sends me down a spiral of feeling unattractive and unloved.
Enter The Lovers tarot card. This week my understanding of this card has deepened greatly. I understand it now to not only be about personal relationships, but about ALL relationships. It's about choosing from the heart, and being dedicated from the bottom of my heart, and with my free will, rather than out of obligation. Enter men. My partner is always saying that men check me out, or are attracted to me. But I usually don't see it or notice it. This week in particular I've been aware of it. And thinking back to my younger days, I was always very sexually attractive to men. I find that this is the same now, I just didn't recognize it. I also see that I want to shift that energy. Not that I don't enjoy flirting or being attractive. But I don't feel good about the type of men that are attracted to me.
What I'm noticing now is men who have a sexual agenda. That is what I imagine the Promiscuous Ho archetype attracts. That is something that I thought I left behind YEARS ago. Apparently not. So, if I am on the edge of Leveling Up, and if something has to go, let it be that. Let it be that the Promiscuous Ho (or more formally the Prostitute Archetype) is what disappears, and the men who think of me purely sexually go with her. Let the act giving myself away (energetically as well as any other way) stop now. Let me direct my gaze, my attention, and my smile to those who are in alignment with the future I want for myself. Let me not spend my energy on those who just want something from me, who want to take for the pleasure of taking, who gorge on innuendos, vampires who feed on attention and would feed otherwise if they could.
I'm ready to step into the Madame Archetype. I've taken that title twice now in different guises, and now am ready to own it. To me the Madame is a woman who is a boss. She captains her own ship. She is sensual and sexually free, yet keeps herself for her own pleasure. She shares herself when worthiness is shown. She also does share for money, at her choosing. (Look, this is my made-up archetype, I can make it however I want. Sex work is no different then selling any other part of yourself for money. And while I'm not talking about sex for sale here, these energies are present still present, even when we are not having sex.) My desire is to level up not only myself, but also those who are attracted to me and the Cult of Gemini in general.
Now lets be clear. This is not some sort of form of elite-ism. I/We are here to serve our community with no judgement of appearances, or perceived deservedness of character, or judgment of leveling up, or whatever. What I am talking about is the way that I allow people, particularly men, to interact with me, and specifically, men who direct energy and sometimes words to me that are sexually intended. Flirting is fun and I heartily enjoy it with men and women alike. But there is a line that some try to cross. My aim is to put that line much farther away from me. My sights are set on a respect for myself so that I don't feel obligated to engage in or continue a conversation that goes too far. I recognize this previous willingness to be a desire for attention from an attention starved girl//woman. I am now willing to give myself that attention.
Seems easy. But there is an ever present fear that I won't be found attractive or desired if I don't engage in a certain way. I won't be liked by men if I show a boundary and state my standards. And there is a little girl in there who is worried that death might find her if she doesn't please him. (Absentee Dads anyone?). There is a desperation that I must fight each time I'm approached by a man. Whooo. That's it right there. The statement that stings the eyes with tears. The desperation. I've fought so hard against this the last couple of years. I feel this ascension, this leveling up, with help me get over the hurdle. And with that The Promiscuous Ho (who is hiding the Desperate Little Girl inside of her) will be a shed skin behind me when I look back. Then me and the girl in my heart, no longer desperate, can walk toward that bright and abundant future.
With love,
Ginger (aka Rachel Lazarus)
March 23, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter
*I know that Buddha is not a God. After ascension, he's no longer a human either. We're going for general idea here of things that are unattainable to our way of thinking.