What Does Your Luggage Look Like
It's Gemini season. Lighten your burdens, allow yourself to float up to your highest purpose.
Dear Friends,
The previous week felt so heavy to me. This week we slipped into the fun-loving times of the Gemini. And I do feel lighter. l'm interested to find that there is a guilt that accompanies it. I have carried this belief from deep childhood that I have to show (my parents, my teachers, friends, the world), at all times, that I am working hard. I'm making an effort. I'm not slacking.
I remember a choral concert when I was in 4th grade where I didn't know where my parents were in the audience. Instead of singing my heart out and enjoying the experience, I incessantly searched for my parents whist singing. I wanted them to know that I was looking for them. That they were important to me. Why was this a thing? I don't fracking know. I don't even care why.
Cut to last Friday, after my tear-filled writing of the newsletter. I had the honor and pleasure of having a private session with Magdalena Curtis. Magdalena is our teacher, mentor, and the beautiful being who taught us how a women's circle could feel so supportive and relieving. She also has a thriving coaching business where she works with women one on one to help them really connect to their femininity while retaining their power. Femininity is not what I've been taught. So I'm super stoked for this session with one of the great women that I know.
My agenda for the session: really connect deeply with my visioning self. The dreamer self. Whenever asked what my dreams are, I'm tongue tied, and feel hopelessly blank. I want a very clear elevator pitch to come from this session.
The actual session: me sobbing. Total breakdown. When asked what I want the session to be about now that I'm there, I just want to feel what I'm feeling. I'm feeling sad that my dog is going to pass soon, I'm feeling sad that my sister is leaving our venture in a more real way, I'm terrified that I can't be creative enough, I'm tired of thoughts of getting back at my ex, I'm tired of defending myself and decisions that I've made, I'm sad that whom I thought was a friend and sister was not so, and so much more....
About 5 minutes in, I realized that I might just use this session to cry, and not get anything else out of it. And I was glad for the time and space to do so. To just allow these feelings to wash over me without having to explain, defend, rationalize, or make sense of them. To just have them.
After a bit there was a slight break in the action, and Magdalena asked me to speak from that place. One of the things I said, "I'm just so tired of carrying everything." She asked me if I could put it down. Just literally take these suitcases and put them down. I imagined the decorative towers of suitcases at the baggage claim at the Sacramento airport, and could see myself beneath one of them, somehow managing to balance and carry them all.
So I visualized setting them down in front of the house of each person who's stuff I was carrying. I unloaded what might have been a truckload of suitcases and boxes in front of my ex's house. Some at my parent's house, some at my sister's house, some at my daughter's house, some at Kat's and Erika's and Abby's and Angelina's and Amalia's houses. Some at my guys garage door. Some were big roller suitcases, others were steamer trunks and satchels, 50's overnight cases, and some of the fancy spacy looking new gliding suitcases.
With each setting down I felt lighter. And a few days later, I realized that I had been, (and likely still was) carrying a lot of shit, but that often I wasn't even asked to. In fact, often I didn't have permission to carry these things. That I was imposing my way of doing on them. Like a friend or love who insists on helping you when you don't want the help.
That's me! I'm that friend.
I can remember snatching things out of the hands of grown people to do what they are in the middle of doing. So embarrassing. So head-shakingly, cringingly awful. *sigh*
But today, I'm feeling lighter. So much less to carry around when I let the grown ups in my life do whatever the fuck they wanna do. Allowing people to have their own learning experiences and explorations. Deeply approving of every success and mistake. Rejoicing in the journeys of everyone around me.
Me? I'm giving myself permission to enjoy life and remain unburdened. I'm allowing deep approval for not needing to show that I'm working hard. In fact, I don't want my work to feel hard. I'm ready to allow a graceful and pleasant flow of work. I'm ready to allow the summer sun (cue break in today's rain clouds) to shine down on me and begin to energize my soul towards it's purpose.
May your own clouds part. May you lay down your burdens at the doors where you picked them up. The world won't fall apart if we do. It just might get lighter for everyone.
With love,
Madame Ginger (aka Rachel Lazarus)
May 25, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter