Winter Lullaby + Discovering How We Want to Feel

In the darkness before the dawn...leave a light on.

Dear Friends,

Here we are, finding ourselves in the exhale after the flurry of the holidays. We naturally turn our thoughts to reflection this time of year, and unconsciously we begin to plant the seeds of what we wish was. We sometimes consciously plant these seeds also. When Kat and I started the Cult, one of the first things we had in the shop that directly related to self-development was the Desire Map. Why? Because of this video by the incredible Danielle Laporte. Just the questions blew me away. I had no idea how I wanted to feel. I new what I didn't want, well kind of. I'm still sorting it out 3 years later. But I'm closer. Closer than ever maybe.

I'm learning to ask directly for what I want. Its hard for me. I've been told, "No," for things that feel like core needs, but given so much else that wasn't as important to me. Its a strange kind of paradox. You feel like you should be grateful for what you have, and maybe you are. But at the same time what you really want and maybe even need are denied. There is so much shame for me in wanting more. More than what my already generous life has to offer. So I shut down those wants, and try to focus on what I do have. The gifts I've been given, the supportive and loving people in my life.

But like what happened a couple of weeks ago and I was overcome enough to expose myself to 1,000 people in a way I never have, SHE rises. She takes over my thoughts and dreams, using my mind and body. She conjures images of what may yet be if I will allow. And it haunts and terrifies the real world me. It is She, who appears like the serpent with the apple, Lilith reborn in Eden, telling me to take a bite, telling me to step off the cliff. She has appeared in MY life. She says, "Don't worry my love. It will only be excruciating." She tells me it will only turn my world upside down, like the Hanged Man (also in the Garden). Vines twined around the foot, blood rushing to my head, causing ecstatic moments in regular days. Like curtains parting, catching glimpses of the ecstasy that can be had if you cross over, part the veils and step into the cosmos. Losing who you think you are, who you've thought you should be, who you thought you wanted to be. Losing all of the ego, even your name.

It is in this dreamy time state that I face my annihilation. This year I look it in the face as the pieces of me I thought important start to dismantle themselves from my core. Gathering my courage. My desires rising with Her above my fears. I'm walking this year towards my desires. My desired feelings are forming even before the annual ritual of the Desire Map. Vibrant. Sensual. Open. There is no safety in this years words. My hands shake as I think of how it could unfold. Then She takes my hands. "You wanted this shaking. Don't you remember...?"

I do. I do remember.

With love,
Ginger {aka Rachel Lazarus}
December 29, 2017, Cult of Gemini Newsletter