In the crucible, you become the light. The hot molten essence of you shines brightly. Can you allow it?

Dear Friends,

As is the way with the words that I write sometimes, they had more real meaning than I could even guess. My revelation about sensuality is still working its way through my life. Last weeks words of annihilation were more true than I could have ever guessed, and yet played out in a way that left me open to be more myself, more real. This may be a long one, so bear with me. You'll need some back story.

See it all starts with a few seemingly unrelated inputs over the last couple of weeks. First, is the incredible story of a woman who falls in love with a younger man. Now I know what you are thinking. I did not fall in love with a younger man, so get that out of your heads. But she (SHE) said something in this video, something about her heart closing up like Iron Man's suit closing around her. Watch it here to see the beauty of love of self, and selfless love. This would prove invaluable to me all week last week.

The second input was the humorous, yet oddly succinct writings from Alana Louise May called, "New Age Fuck Bois." This satirical and poignant article tickled me as funny and well written, also something I didn't need to worry about as I was in a relationship, and, let's be real, I can spot a fuck boi a mile away. Right? Single ladies, hell, AAAAALLLL the ladies, do yourself a favor and read this. In this age where the binary that we have known since the beginning of time is breaking down, it can be confusing as to what is happening in relationships. Know that enlightened words are not enlightened actions, and the old adage, "Actions speak louder than words," serves us all well to this day.

Now to the real story. Over the past couple of weeks (since my sensuality revelation, to be exact), I've tried to imagine how my life would change if I really allowed my sensuality to reawaken. What if I was again to inhabit that fully awakened primal force. I was afraid to bring up the topic with my partner again. In my last marriage, I was so often rejected in sexuality, that I've become timid in that area. Pair it with the fact that my partner and I have had trouble in that area over the last couple of years, and its been a topic too painful for either of us to discuss in any really deep way. So I did what seemed the only thing I could do. I allowed myself to consider being with someone else. Stepping outside of my relationship for sexual fulfillment to be very clear about my intention. Really and truly. I ruled out everyone that I already knew. I ruled out anyone from our area. But I still held to possibility open in my mind. And guess what? The universe doth provide.

I was contacted via Facebook to give a reading to a man. He was in his mid 30's, very attractive, out of town, and seemingly really interested in growing spiritually beyond his current situation. Over the course of a week, we sent messages back and forth about his reading until one day he asked if I was married. I said, no, but that I was considering alternatives. He was interested. Now I knew somewhere inside me that this was wrong. First, you can't get intimate with clients. Its like dating co-workers. Its not a good idea. Nonetheless, over the course of a couple of days, we spoke more intimately about our past relationships, the wounds we carry, and what it is that we wished for in our lives. Red Flag: Leading with wounds is a terrible foundation for anything. Yet despite this and other warnings my intuition sent my way, I persisted. Maybe he persisted...

He said all of the right words, stroking my ego, telling me that he saw the me that I wish to be. I was deep, and sensual, and powerful, attractive, and asking probing questions, like did I really want to do this, what about the guy I was with, why didn't I want to work it out, he could be my friend while I figured things out, let's take it slow, blah, blah, blah. Everything you ever wanted to hear. Ever. All of the things. And he never got sexual with the words. I woke up more. My body yearned more. My heart wanted to climb. I wanted to open and be opened, and held in that exultation.

I tried to imagine making a meeting with him. Trying to find excuses that would take me to Sacramento, or San Francisco, or wherever he would be traveling to when he came in from out of state for work. I couldn't. Each lie was like ash in my mouth. My stomach churned with the dishonesty and the betrayal. I knew I couldn't actually do it. I pondered how to back off from this guy. This phantom who I actually wasn't even sure was real. This person I'd never seen or even spoken to. Well, the universe doth provide. I woke up the next morning to a scornful message that was like a slap in the face. Like a bolt of lightening burning me and my ego to the ground. It was a message of how fucked up I was. How everything I was saying about who I am was a farce. That I'd gotten to him at a vulnerable time, and that I might even be running a scam on him. And the final, "No thanks, I'll pass."

Enter Iron Man. My heart started to "chung, chung, chung" as the panels put themselves in their familiar places and gave me relief from the exposure I'd been experiencing. It started to shut down, and pull that expansion I'd gained back in with it. And I stopped. No. I will not shut down. I will relish the stinging cheek, and let it remind me that I am alive. I will look in the mirror and see the truths there. I will take the pain of this and look at how I HAD stepped out of who I am. How my integrity had been compromised by the longings of my body and heart. How empty words had turned me against myself, and the person I intend to be.

I took a good look at my life and made a choice. To become the woman I hope to be, the woman I desire to be, the woman that I want to be. To right my wrongs with confession to the man who loves me deeply, and hope that his forgiveness can allow us to have a chance. To give our life a chance. Not the glossed over "not really deal with it" chances of the past. But a real blood, sweat, and tears chance. A "no shying away from the discomfort chance." A make or break chance. A "no heart shields allowed" chance.

So to you, Gabriel, Archangel, Messenger of God, I say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope of having the life that I really want. Thank you for seeing my beauty and sensuality and desiring it. Thank you for taking my awakening the few more steps further. Thank you for showing me my patterns with men, that I give myself over when it is not deserved. Thank you most of all for your unrelenting, brutal, and damning rejection. I may have never looked at myself the way you reflected my image back to me. I discovered in that shock the feelings of guilt, shame, longing, and pain that no women's circle had given me access to. You may be a Knight in shining armor, or you may be a New Age fuck boi, but it doesn't matter. After spending this week in my alchemical crucible, melted down to my base in all of the feelings aroused by our encounter (excitement, sensuality, doubt, fear, guilt, shame, outrage, heart ache) I am the Phoenix, rising (again) from the ashes of who I thought I was. Ready to become all that I am destined to be.
I have become pregnant by the stars,
The moon my mid-wife
I return to birth myself anew
A new creature of joy and delight
of curiosity and incredible possibility

Annihilation indeed.
Much love,
Ginger {aka Rachel Lazarus}
January 5, 2018, Cult of Gemini Newsletter